The real truth about the gender pay gap.

balance-scale-isolated-icon-design-vector-9656446I’ve always been a bit of a data nerd; weighed down by my insistence on differentiating between coincidence, correlation and cause. So, I extend my heartfelt gratitude to all those newspaper editors and journalists who have liberated me from my pedantry, and shown me that the only questions that I need to ask are, “Does this data fit my previously held prejudices?” and “Can I use it to scare the shit out of my readers?”

In case you are in any doubt as to the expertise of media folk when it comes to the interpretation of data, a quick look at the list of editors of the national press here in the UK reveals that 90% of them are white males. So, if this is how they use and interpret data, it must be right. Right?

Two real Daily Mail examples of this are as follows;

Headline: “Bacon kills”. Data: some people who once ate bacon were also found to have died.

Headline: “Cancer link to oxygen in air”. Data: people diagnosed with cancer were found to have breathed air containing O2.

(And from this, I think we can also apply reverse causation to conclude that if you do not eat bacon you will never die, and if you don’t breathe that nasty oxygenated air, you won’t get cancer. The latter is in fact true. Think about it.)

Liberated by these media heroes, I have now applied their method to the contentious issue of the gender pay gap. I am so glad that I did, because now I can put to rest all my girly swot, embittered old hag rage about the issue. Allow me to present to you the real truth about pay and gender:

The gender pay gap in the UK is 18%. Men earn on average 18% more than women.

The gender weight gap is 19%. Men weigh on average 19% more than women.

Is it a co-incidence that these 2 numbers are almost identical? Of course not! It is clear that humans are, quite rightly and justly, paid according to their weight. After all, you wouldn’t expect to pay the same for 100 grams of cheese as you would for 118 grams, now would you?

Now that we know how the system works, and I think that we can all accept that it is perfectly fair and equitable, all we need to do, girls, to achieve pay parity is simply stop whining and eat more.

I admit that there are a few little wrinkles that we will need to iron out within the data. For example, is it enough for a little old thing like me to add 19% or 10 kilos to my weight? Or does every one of us women have to achieve average male weight (83 kilos)? In my case, this would mean gaining 30 kilos.

We must also ask if the measure is sector sensitive. For example, were I to work in finance I would need to gain considerably more weight than I would in any other sector; HSBC has a gender pay gap of 61% or 32 kilos, Barclays 48% or 25 kilos.

Sadly, since applying this formula I have been forced to accept that I will never make a go of it as a comedy writer and performer, an occupation where the highest paid man earns 11 times more than the highest paid woman. To make as much as Ricky Gervais I would need to gain 550 kilos

And so, rather than pursue that impossible dream, and being the entrepreneur that I am, I’m about to launch SEEP – the Salary Equality Eating Plan. Subscribe to SEEP and we will deliver to your inbox daily diet tips for a fatter, wealthier you. With just 2, 2 litre bottles of Coke a day, 6 burgers for lunch and a dozen doughnuts for breakfast we can promise that you will wipe out that gender weight gap and get equal pay in just a couple of months. You’ll wonder why it took those lame feminists hundreds of years to get nowhere!

There’s an added bonus, too. If we’re successful in our campaign for weight equality, we will take another positive step towards gender equality. All that extra weight makes it likely that life expectancy for women will drop to about the same as that for men. No more hanging around pointlessly for 3 or 4 years after the men have popped their clogs; now we can reach the grave at exactly the same time.

Finally on this subject, I would like to point out that we girls are guilty of shocking ingratitude for those situations where we have been granted equality without even trying. Yes, I’m talking about luggage. How can it be fair that the heroically obese man who is invariably seated next to me on a plane has the same paltry baggage allowance as I do……  ?

Hold on. Wait a minute..

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there’s another way of looking at that, isn’t there?