Traditional gender-based workplace dress codes..

by Kay Scorah

“traditional gender-based workplace dress codes [ … ] encourage a sense of professionalism in the workplace”. Teresa May 2011

Here at *Porcito we are 100% behind the Prime Minister, a position we particularly enjoy when she wears those figure-hugging skirts and leather trousers. And we are proud of our people. We want all employees to experience the dignity and confidence that comes with traditional gender-based workplace dress codes. Following today’s press coverage we want to remind our male employees of the guidelines:

Manspreading is obligatory. Any man found sitting with his knees less than 40 cm apart will be sent home without pay. Crossing your legs at work (with the exception of the aggressive ankle-on-the-opposite-knee pose) will lead to immediate dismissal. HR has arranged for lunchtime ballet-barre classes to be provided in the conference room B3 every Monday, Wednesday and Friday for any man struggling with his turnout.

Trousers must be tight enough to clearly show the shape and size of your man-sausage.

The bottom button of your shirt must at all times be left open, so that your hairy lower belly is clearly visible. If you wax your belly hair, or are naturally hairless, ahem, “down there” you MUST have a 6-pack. André’s “Glutes and Abs” classes take place every morning from 7.30 to 8.30 in the park on the corner. (If you are spotted with neither belly hair nor a 6-pack for a period of more than 6 weeks, and you don’t attend André’s class this will be grounds for immediate dismissal).

Bum crack. We understand how difficult it can be for those of you who wear suits to work to expose your bum crack. For this reason we only impose the bum crack rule on maintenance staff as follows:

First, you will be graded on a scale of 1 to 10 by a panel of female staff members. (10 = Ryan Gosling and 1 = Donald Trump).

Having received your grade, you will be required to follow the natural order of things as follows:

8-10: Your choice, you can expose as much or as little of your bum crack as you like. It’s irrelevant, as all we want to do is gaze into your eyes and dream.

5-7: Between 2 and 6 cm of bum crack to be exposed when kneeling or bending

Less than 5: At least 6 cm of bum crack to be exposed at all times.

Finally, if your knuckles do not naturally drag along the ground as you walk around the office you must wear arm extensions, or reduce the length of your legs.

*Not to be confused in any way with Portico “providers of high quality, tailored front and back of house guest services.” whatever that means…