“5 Things You Must Do To Make Labour Unelectable”
by Kay Scorah
Our ever popular series, “x things you should y about z”, returns with this insightful piece by Antonia Bleargh. Political Correspondent.
- Make sure that you persuade as many people as possible that there is no point whatsoever in voting because you are exactly the same as all the other parties. Did you know that between May 1997 and June 2001 Tony Blair’s government managed to reduce the number of people who could be bothered to vote from 71% to 59%! Yes, a massive 5 MILLION voters turned their backs on the electoral system in just 4 short years. Marvellous achievement!
- Don’t make this an indiscriminate cull. Take care to ensure that the people that you alienate most effectively are those who might have been most likely to vote for you. Just look at the sterling work that Labour carried out in this regard amongst young people; 51% of 18-24s voted in 1997 compared to just 37% in 2005. Again, a brilliant vote-losing strategy, precisely executed.
- Shake off all those poorly paid, needy types. Middle class lefties are almost impossible to get rid of (give them a couple of decent bottles of cut price Primitivo from Waitrose and they’ll soon forget about illegal wars and such trivia). Instead, focus on getting rid of working class voters by giving peerages to your posh media mates and continuing to keep decent housing unaffordable. New Labour leads the way again; “(Labour) has suffered a cataclysmic decline among working class voters.” John Trickett. May 2015. New Statesman.
- Make sure that you squabble amongst yourselves like ferrets in a sack. Bully the boys who dare to be a bit different by giving them girly nicknames like “Alice in Wonderland”.
- Remember, it’s more important to be in power than it is to represent the people.