And now, the end is here…

by Kay Scorah


The last 3 numbers out of the hat are 2, 4 and 5. I’ll waste no more of your precious time and cover them all in one vicious shake of a rabid lamb’s tail.

“2 THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER EAT” comes from some CHARLATAN calling himself Dr Jonny. “Doctor” Jonny is the QUINTESSENTIAL internexpert, Like so many internexperts, he is VERY fond of CAPITALS.

This man never writes his name without adding the letters “PhD”, yet neither knows the difference between food and beverage nor the difference between “eat” and “drink”. He has also invented his very own Clever Science Word; “glycermic”. I’m sure he didn’t mean to write glycaemic (or, in US English, glycemic) because, as a PhD, he’d obviously be far to particular about getting things right to do such a silly thing.

Dr Jonny’s 2 things you should never “eat” are French fries and soda. If you don’t speak American (and why should you?) he means chips and fizzy drinks. If I had a penny for every time I’ve taken a knife and fork to a plate of soda……

Joking aside, I was SO relieved to read this. It means that I can continue to eat razor blades and lizard shit whenever I like.

Moving along swiftly to “5 THINGS YOU REALLY DON’T NEED AT HOME.” This is written by someone who “spends her days writing and thinking about decor, food and fashion”, because let’s face it, equality, feminism, climate change and poverty are just too head-hurty for us girls.

Although she obviously has her priorities right in life, she couldn’t be more wrong in her 5 choices. Here’s why: A top sheet is ideal for loosely wrapping several times around the mouth of the person who came to dinner and talked about nothing but decor, food and fashion. It will muffle her inanities and leaves you to converse with your other 10 brilliant and witty guests in relative peace, which is, after all why you bought the 12 piece dinner service in the first place. Thank goodness your real friends have a life and don’t write inane tosh to post on the interwebs (See what I did there? Double irony). Dispose of all the knives that you have in the house before dinner in case the topsheet doesn’t work and you feel moved to silence the internexpert in a more permanent manner. Make sure that you always have exactly matching nightstands and lamps to hand to replace the ones you might have used to beat yourself over the head after trying to explain the difference between food and drink to Dr Jonny. There’s sure to be a specialised cleaning product that gets rid of those pesky bloodstains left on your clothes and furniture after this unfortunate episode.

And finally; 4 THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT YOUR 3rd EYE. (Stop giggling boys, we’re not  talking about that one, even if it is called the pineal gland.)

It had to happen. One of the random subjects led me to an informative, thought-provoking and well-written piece spanning science lifestyle and myth.

What am I to do now?

the end is nigh