13 things you should never say to a priest.

by Kay Scorah

1. Does it piss you off that the imaginary friend you had when you were 3 grew up to be a deity, and you’re just a priest?

2. Is it true that priests don’t wear anything under their vestments? Oh, sorry! My mistake. Silly me. I’m thinking of Scotsmen and kilts.

3. I think you might get more people through the door on a Sunday if you offered a wider menu. Just a suggestion, but how about:

– Lamb of God

– Beef of God

– Chicken of God

– Vegetarian option of God

– Gluten free wafers.

4. Virgin birth. Did you pay any attention at all in biology class?

5. If Jesus was from Nazareth why does he look like a blue-eyed Barry Gibb in all the pictures?

not jesus

6. You do know that JC wasn’t actually born in a barn don’t you? That’s only an expression. He just had a really bad habit of leaving doors wide open.

7. Bit of brand management advice here. Chocolate eggs and bunnies are undermining the value of brand Easter.  You’ve got to make up your mind what the brand stands for. You’re either serious about resurrection or serious about chocolate. You can’t be both.

Brand Easter. Seriously impressive back from the dead trick.

Brand Easter. A bunny rabbit made from chocolate.

8. Also (and I’m sorry to have to bring this up again) but it’s probably best to distance yourself from child bait like chocolate and bunnies for a few years…just until all the fuss dies down. Good work on shifting all the attention to popular entertainers and politicians, though. Got to hand it to your PR folk.

9. Why didn’t JC pass on some of his really useful tricks? Walking on water for example. And just think of the profit you could make at Glasto with that loaves and fishes one. 5 loaves, about 5 quid, 2 salmon fillets, about 4 quid. Even at 50p a plate you’d be making a magnificent margin.

10. You look great in black, it’s so figure-flattering, don’t you find? And..

11. It’s a blessing in disguise that you didn’t get that promotion to bishop. Purple simply isn’t your colour, darling.

12. Have you ever fallen asleep in one of your own sermons?

13. About that quote from Titus; “..teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good.” Well, you can stick it up your cassock. Or your chasuble.

(If you’re looking for the original of “13 things…”, you’ll have to search for it. I’m not going to attach a link because it’s one of creepiest, scariest, ugliest websites I have ever seen, and I don’t want to upset you more than I already have. However, if you don’t know your cassock from your chasuble may I recommend this delightful and charming website. Bespoke clerical attire for the discerning cleric..)