kay scorah.

internexpert.

Month: February, 2015

And now, the end is here…

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The last 3 numbers out of the hat are 2, 4 and 5. I’ll waste no more of your precious time and cover them all in one vicious shake of a rabid lamb’s tail.

“2 THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER EAT” comes from some CHARLATAN calling himself Dr Jonny. “Doctor” Jonny is the QUINTESSENTIAL internexpert, Like so many internexperts, he is VERY fond of CAPITALS.

This man never writes his name without adding the letters “PhD”, yet neither knows the difference between food and beverage nor the difference between “eat” and “drink”. He has also invented his very own Clever Science Word; “glycermic”. I’m sure he didn’t mean to write glycaemic (or, in US English, glycemic) because, as a PhD, he’d obviously be far to particular about getting things right to do such a silly thing.

Dr Jonny’s 2 things you should never “eat” are French fries and soda. If you don’t speak American (and why should you?) he means chips and fizzy drinks. If I had a penny for every time I’ve taken a knife and fork to a plate of soda……

Joking aside, I was SO relieved to read this. It means that I can continue to eat razor blades and lizard shit whenever I like.

Moving along swiftly to “5 THINGS YOU REALLY DON’T NEED AT HOME.” This is written by someone who “spends her days writing and thinking about decor, food and fashion”, because let’s face it, equality, feminism, climate change and poverty are just too head-hurty for us girls.

Although she obviously has her priorities right in life, she couldn’t be more wrong in her 5 choices. Here’s why: A top sheet is ideal for loosely wrapping several times around the mouth of the person who came to dinner and talked about nothing but decor, food and fashion. It will muffle her inanities and leaves you to converse with your other 10 brilliant and witty guests in relative peace, which is, after all why you bought the 12 piece dinner service in the first place. Thank goodness your real friends have a life and don’t write inane tosh to post on the interwebs (See what I did there? Double irony). Dispose of all the knives that you have in the house before dinner in case the topsheet doesn’t work and you feel moved to silence the internexpert in a more permanent manner. Make sure that you always have exactly matching nightstands and lamps to hand to replace the ones you might have used to beat yourself over the head after trying to explain the difference between food and drink to Dr Jonny. There’s sure to be a specialised cleaning product that gets rid of those pesky bloodstains left on your clothes and furniture after this unfortunate episode.

And finally; 4 THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT YOUR 3rd EYE. (Stop giggling boys, we’re not  talking about that one, even if it is called the pineal gland.)

It had to happen. One of the random subjects led me to an informative, thought-provoking and well-written piece spanning science lifestyle and myth.

What am I to do now?

the end is nigh

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We interrupt this series to bring you Mercutio the Gerbil

gerbil-standing“A plague on both your houses”

Normal nonsense will be resumed tomorrow.

3 things that you should do in an earthquake.

The 3 things that you should do in an earthquake (as recommended by Gerri Husband, the Director of Field Services for the Indiana Department of Homeland Security) are in bold below. As always, the Department and I are in complete agreement.

Most earthquakes last between 10 and 30 seconds. Did you know that in the average, ill-prepared home it can take several minutes for the occupants to even find a bottle of wine, a corkscrew and a glass, much less open the wine and pour it?

Therefore, if you live in an earthquake zone, or anywhere in the world that might be an earthquake zone one day, or anywhere where an earthquake elsewhere in the world might be reported on TV, our advice is to keep a screwtop bottle of wine and a glass under a table or desk in every room in the house.

At the first sign of a *tremor, drop to the ground under the desk. Calmly and rapidly unscrew the cap, pour a glass and drink.

Keep a firm hold on the bottle, so that if you do get shaken out from under your cover, at least you will still have it with you.

(*While it’s true that the tremor MIGHT have been caused by your teenage daughter slamming her bedroom door again, it’s much more likely to be an earthquake. In the same way that, while the 86-year-old Yorkshireman who triggers the metal detector at the airport MIGHT, as he claims, have a metal plate in his shoulder, it’s much more likely that he is indeed carrying a tiny lethal weapon in the shoulder of his sweater. I’m sure that the Department of Homeland Stupidity would agree with me on this one, too.)IMG_1650

8 Things you should always apologise for in a relationship.

It seems fitting on this St Valentines day to bring your attention to this wearisome stream of badly-written, irresponsible balderdash.

Note that the author suggests that you apologise for sins such as “starting fights” and “losing your cool”, rather than desist from them, thus suggesting that it’s perfectly fine to continue to start fights and lose your cool as long as you mutter “I’m sorry” at some stage. Perhaps accompanied by the words, “officer” or “your Honour”

Here are 8 things that you really should apologise for when you’re in a relationship:

  1. Finishing the milk and then putting the empty carton back in the fridge.
  2. Even worse, almost finishing the milk and putting the almost empty carton back in the fridge.
  3. Leaving the kids in the pub.. .
  4. . . and phoning the landlord to offer him £20 to send them home with one of the barstaff. (Thanks, Matt, I owe you one).
  5. Farting and blaming the dog. Apologise to your partner as well as the dog. Unless of course you don’t have a dog. In which case; Worst Excuse Ever.
  6. Failing to notify the Toilet Paper Replacement Fairy of an imminent shortage of toilet paper. Or placing the last roll of toilet paper in the fridge. (see: 10 Things You Should Not Refrigerate)
  7. Selling the family home and moving to the Seychelles with a circus clown.
  8. Being on the board of directors of HSBC
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13 things you should never say to a priest.

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1. Does it piss you off that the imaginary friend you had when you were 3 grew up to be a deity, and you’re just a priest?

2. Is it true that priests don’t wear anything under their vestments? Oh, sorry! My mistake. Silly me. I’m thinking of Scotsmen and kilts.

3. I think you might get more people through the door on a Sunday if you offered a wider menu. Just a suggestion, but how about:

– Lamb of God

– Beef of God

– Chicken of God

– Vegetarian option of God

– Gluten free wafers.

4. Virgin birth. Did you pay any attention at all in biology class?

5. If Jesus was from Nazareth why does he look like a blue-eyed Barry Gibb in all the pictures?

not jesus

not jesus

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6. You do know that JC wasn’t actually born in a barn don’t you? That’s only an expression. He just had a really bad habit of leaving doors wide open.

7. Bit of brand management advice here. Chocolate eggs and bunnies are undermining the value of brand Easter.  You’ve got to make up your mind what the brand stands for. You’re either serious about resurrection or serious about chocolate. You can’t be both.

Brand Easter. Seriously impressive back from the dead trick.

Brand Easter. Seriously impressive back from the dead trick.

Brand Easter. A bunny rabbit made from chocolate.

Brand Easter. A bunny rabbit made from chocolate.

8. Also (and I’m sorry to have to bring this up again) but it’s probably best to distance yourself from child bait like chocolate and bunnies for a few years…just until all the fuss dies down. Good work on shifting all the attention to popular entertainers and politicians, though. Got to hand it to your PR folk.

9. Why didn’t JC pass on some of his really useful tricks? Walking on water for example. And just think of the profit you could make at Glasto with that loaves and fishes one. 5 loaves, about 5 quid, 2 salmon fillets, about 4 quid. Even at 50p a plate you’d be making a magnificent margin.

10. You look great in black, it’s so figure-flattering, don’t you find? And..

11. It’s a blessing in disguise that you didn’t get that promotion to bishop. Purple simply isn’t your colour, darling.

12. Have you ever fallen asleep in one of your own sermons?

clip_image00613. About that quote from Titus; “..teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good.” Well, you can stick it up your cassock. Or your chasuble.

(If you’re looking for the original of “13 things…”, you’ll have to search for it. I’m not going to attach a link because it’s one of creepiest, scariest, ugliest websites I have ever seen, and I don’t want to upset you more than I already have. However, if you don’t know your cassock from your chasuble may I recommend this delightful and charming website. Bespoke clerical attire for the discerning cleric..)

Bad Science, Palin Syndrome and Typos. 3 things that drive me nuts about 12 things you never knew about your Christmas cheese board.

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The first “12 things” that bison pulled out of the hat was “12 things you need to do before the end of the year.” That obviously had far too much potential. In the words of the lovely Mark Barden and Adam Morgan, I needed a beautiful constraint.

So I cheated and sent the bison into the hat a second time. He came out with something I could work with; “12 things you never knew about your Christmas cheese board.”
This opus is, bizarrely, to be found on the *BT website, which might explain why it is ill-informed, barely literate, full of contradictions and patchy. Further investigation reveals that it is authored by SNAP.PA, the division of the Press Association dedicated to writing what is, these days, known as “content”, and in my day was known as, “You failed your English exam.”
(*Dear overseas reader, BT claims to be a phone company here in England.)
Much of the clickbait that we read is written by wordslaves working for organisations like SNAP.PA. They are probably being paid about 1p per word, which is 1p per word more than I am. While I do have some sympathy for their plight, I’m going to rip the piss out of this anyway, because it’s crap.

“3 things that drive me nuts about
12 things you never knew about your Christmas cheese board.”

Thing 1. Bad science.

While “researching” the piece our SNAP.PA “writer” relies heavily on the “wisdom” of a “nutrition blogger” and a “nutrition therapist”. Here’s some of their “science”. (End of irony marks. Not end of irony.)
“Cheese is full of protein and vitamins.”
Yes, cheese is full of protein in much the same way that Hershey’s chocolate is full of cocoa.
It isn’t.
The glass on the left below is full of water, the glass in the centre contains as much water as cheese contains protein, and (for comparison purposes only, and not in any way wanting to criticise recent US legislation on the import of chocolate from the UK) the glass on the right contains as much water as Hershey’s chocolate contains cocoa.

glassful

Admittedly cottage cheese contains a little more protein. However, in all my 61 Christmases of cheese, “cottage” has never been included on the board. Quite right too. It’s disgusting.
“Cheese makes you happy. It contains an amino acid called tyrosine”.
Cheese comes in at 241 in the list of foods high in tyrosine. Top of the list is seaweed. So it’s the Christmas seaweed board to cheer up my family next year. That’ll teach them. Miserable cheese-eating bastards.
“Cheese contains one of the essential amino acids, a protein called tryptophan.”
Well, which is it? An amino acid or a protein? Tryptophan isn’t a protein, you cheese-brained twit. It’s an amino acid. These 2 are not the same. And, NO, before you write your brilliant treatise on turkey and sleepiness; NO, NO, NO!!! Tryptophan does NOT make you sleepy. You just ate too much.
“The calcium in cheese can help women with symptoms of PMS. Women given a daily calcium supplement of 1,200mg have been shown to have a reduction in PMS symptoms after three months.”
In order for cheese to have this effect you would have to SUPPLEMENT your usual diet with 170 grams of cheese every day for 3 months. That’s an additional 700 calories a day. If you run 2 marathons a week you’ll just about break even weight-wise and no-one will know if the PMS thing is working because you won’t have time to see them.
“as part of a well-rounded nutrition plan, and eaten in moderation (cheese) can help you to lose weight.”
True. So can pasta drizzled with lard and served with grated chocolate. Eaten in moderation. Obvs.

Thing 2. Palin Syndrome (Not to be confused with palindrome. Look it up, Sarah).

This condition is characterised by logical inconsistency, poor or non-existent reasoning, bad grammar and appalling syntax. Although there is some poorly substantiated research (see Thing 1) to suggest that Palin syndrome is due to teleprompter failure, it is in fact caused by chronic and incurable stupidity.

“We think the reason for that, and it’s not definitive, but cheese and milk contain one of the essential amino acids, a protein called tryptophan,” This is pure, textbook Palin. Start a sentence, interrupt yourself and then forget where you were going with it.
Another symptom of Palin Syndrome is the tendency to start a fight with someone who actually agrees with you, but you’re just too stupid or too drunk to realise that they do.
Take this example:
“Charles Dickens has a lot to answer for, suggesting cheese induces nightmares in A Christmas Carol, but research by the British Cheese Board found it actually helps you sleep.”
I don’t know about you, but I tend to have nightmares when I’m asleep. So the fact that cheese helps you to sleep surely supports its association with nightmares.
And the syntax: give me strength! “..cheese induces nightmares in a Christmas Carol”? Let’s try again, shall we? “….suggesting, in his novel A Christmas Carol, that cheese induces nightmares….”

The author has such a serious case of Palin Syndrome that this made sense to them:
“We Brits eat less cheese than our European neighbours, yet we seem to have more “weight issues” than them. Walters says: “France and French women are a brilliant example because cheese is an important part of their diet. It’s all about portion sizes. A portion of cheese is a matchbox size – that’s where people go wrong.”
My brain hurts from trying to work this one out. It’s as if a drunk Anglophobe alien from a reverse-gravity planet ate too many ideas and vomited them up at the 38 bus stop.

Thing 3. Typos.

“Organise Greek feta crumbled over a salad is healthier than hard British cheeses…”
Yes, I imagine it IS hard to organise British cheeses. So why not avoid all the stress that might cause, and instead place feta neatly and geometrically on your salad. After all, Greek cheese organised over salad is at the very heart of a British Christmas meal.

In summary, dear reader, the next time you search the interwebs for the answer to your relationship/health/financial problem, or when you see an internexpert backing up their ignorant bullshit with so-called science, just think about the 12 things you never knew about your Christmas cheeseboard.