11 things that men want from you but will never tell you

by kayscorah

I re-read the original of this several times looking for irony, but apparently they’re serious. Then I checked to see if it was written in 1946, and it wasn’t. (Had it been written in ‘46, the grammar and syntax would have been correct, and the vocabulary more diverse.) It was hard to make it any more ridiculous than it already is, but I’ve done my best. Here goes.

Apparently the 11 things that men want from you but will never tell you are:
1. Respect.
2. Admiration.
3. Companionship.
4. Arm candy.
5. A pleasant tone of voice.
7. Appreciation
8. Recognition
9. Independence
10. Support
11. Desired (sic)

You can learn how to express most of these by making a careful study of Annie Wilkes; Kathy Bates character in “Misery”. In fact, most of them are succinctly drawn together in this one scene.

1 Respect according to the internexperts means “… that you think that he is important and you show it with your actions.” See how Annie doesn’t just tell Paul “I have total confidence in your brilliance” but she sets him up with a nice little desk, a typewriter and a lovely wheelchair by the window so that he can continue his great work.

2 Admiration. “I’m your number one fan.” It’s the line that we all remember from the movie because it shows us how skilled Annie is at showing her man just how much she admires him.

3 Companionship. What better way to make sure that you spend more time with your man than to break his ankles and tie him to the bed? If this seems a bridge too far in the short term, then simply buy him a dog and head off to the pub with the girls.

4 Arm candy. Let’s be honest, Annie doesn’t really cut it on this one, so let’s stray from the Misery model for a moment and imagine how adorable the retro liquorice allsorts bracelet illustrated will look stretched seductively across your man’s muscled bicep!
If you’re a bit hard up don’t worry, you can have minutes of fun nibbling one of those cheap sweetie bracelets off his wrist. (Laddish innuendo intended).sweetiebracelet

5 A pleasant tone of voice. Watch that scene again. Go on, I dare you. If Annie had started out screaming at Paul it wouldn’t have been anywhere near as effective, would it? So next time you say “I fucking despise you” to your beloved, make sure that you say it in a pleasant tone of voice.

6 Encouragement. Notice how good Annie is at this in this scene. She never misses an opportunity to show Paul that she has read every word that he writes, and gives him super useful tips on how he might improve.

7. Appreciation. We’re none of us perfect, and poor Annie isn’t the best at this, is she? In that very same scene, rather than thanking Paul for everything he has done for her she can be very critical, harping on about the things that she doesn’t like. If she had been more appreciative of his efforts their relationship might not have ended so badly.

8 Recognition. Even the little things that Paul does, like rearranging a china penguin on the shelf, never escape Annie’s notice. She doesn’t just notice but she lets him know she’s noticed, and that is what makes her really special.

9 Independence. As the original article says, those guys do love to think that they are independent! Annie gets this, and she gives Paul plenty of alone time to get on with his writing and his man-thoughts. Notice though that she always makes sure that he is safely tied to his bed or wheelchair before she leaves him. We don’t want our men hurting themselves or wandering off and getting lost when we’re not around, do we girls?

10. Support. See “appreciation”. We’re at 10 and I’m getting a little tired of pretending that there really are 11 separate things on this list. They’re all basically the same. You know it, I know it, the original authors know it.

11. Desired. The grammatical inconsistency of number 11 renders it invalid and drives me nuts. The article promises 11 “things” that men want from you. Leaving aside the fact that “thing” is a sloppy non-specific noun at the best of times, “desired” is not a THING!!!!! A THING would be a NOUN!!!! “Desired” is the past participle of the verb “to desire”, or, when used in conjunction with the verb “be” it is the passive form.

The original internexperts on this subject were re Alicia Fannin and “editor” Lisa Washington.
You’re welcome.