6 things you should do after every workout.

by kayscorah

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With apologies to Nick Clayton (who has more post-nominal letters than anyone in Debrett’s) and Zack Zeigler.


According to Clayton, the 6 things are:
Roll
Cool down
Stretch
Rehydrate
Consume protein
Compression clothing

Here’s my advice:

Roll a large blunt, light it and inhale deeply. Marijuana is well known as an anti-inflammatory and muscle relaxant, so perfect for those tired and tense muscles after a workout. Just chilling like this should help you cool down. However, if you are still a little sweaty and finding it difficult to bring your temperature down, this cocktail that we invented a few years ago in Mexico is the perfect core cooler:

Recipe for Tequila Tope (tope is Mexican Spanish for a speedbump):
1 measure of tequila
3 measures of freshly squeezed grapefruit juice
plenty of ice
2 or 3 drops of Tabasco or other hot sauce.
Stir. Don’t shake; shaking is far too strenuous for someone in your condition.

After the spliff and the cocktail you might want to find yourself a comfy sofa, floor, bed or shop doorway and stretch out, which conveniently ticks thing 3 off the list of 6.

Now it’s time to consume protein. If you’re following the programme conscientiously you’re going to have the munchies something wicked very soon, so stand up carefully and head down to your nearest kebab shop for a large doner. Remember that it’s a protein hit we’re looking for, so tell them to hold off on all that salady nonsense.

Compression clothing apparently improves circulation. Funny that, because I don’t know about you but I always find that tight clothing has the opposite effect. However, I must bow to the superior knowledge of the internexperts and I must admit that nothing is more giggle-inducing and therefore relaxing than trying to squeeze a size 10 bod into size 6 jeans when you’re stoned, drunk and have just eaten a kebab.

No need to rush to rehydrate. When you wake up at 4 a.m. unsure of where you are or even who you are, you will have a hell of a thirst and this will make it so much easier to drink a lot of water very quickly. Sticking your head awkwardly under the tap with your mouth wide open is a good method. Taking a glass of water to bed with you is just silly – you know you are going to knock it over when you reach out for it in the dark and wake up again 3 hours later thinking you’ve pissed yourself.

You’re welcome.

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