9 Things You Should Throw Away Immediately.
One thing that all the internexperts agree on is that the kitchen sponge (1) is a killer. It is so dangerous that you must make absolutely sure that it is dead before you throw it out. After all, if our streets and bins were to be filled overnight with discarded kitchen sponges, who knows what hideous epidemics may ensue? Don’t panic, though, because you can kill a kitchen sponge AND dispose of the 8 other major hazards lurking in your immediate environment all in one go.
To deter anyone who might be crazy enough to actually pick up a kitchen sponge, use the remainder of your old makeup (2) from the bathroom cabinet to paint a scary face on it (see above). Any lipstick with a name like Kiss Me Coral, or mascara that claims to have been inspired by Brigitte Bardot, will do. Don’t be tempted to have one last go with it yourself, you’ll only go out smelling like the inside of the top drawer of an antique dressing table, and then finish up in Moorfields eye hospital looking like Linda Blair in the Exorcist.
Now, make a toxic solution by grinding up all the out of date medicines (3) you have lying around the house and dissolve them in the leftover paint (4) that you’ve been keeping in the cupboard under the stairs. Never mind that you were saving all those painkillers and valium for your next long haul flight in economy, or for the next time your partner insists on watching the entire first series of Broadchurch in bed – throwing away is more important than sleeping.
To this mix, add any leftover food (5) that has been in your fridge more than 2 seconds.
Use your sad, splayed, germ-encrusted old toothbrush (6) to stir thoroughly. Place the killer sponge in the solution and toss the toothbrush in there with it.
Now, take all those worn, mismatched towels (7) from your airing cupboard (I am sure, dear reader, that you would not be so vulgar as to place mismatched towels in the BATHROOM). Remember that you have now disposed of all your old valium; you simply cannot risk happening upon a pair of mismatched towels, without being suitably sedated.
Wrap the tin of old paint containing the toxic concoction in the towels, and place all of this in the street outside your home. Or someone else’s home.
Now its time to tackle the elephant in the (bed)room. Yes, your mattress (8). The big, stupid guy in the things-you-must-throw-away gang. Any mattress more than 2 (or 6 or 7 or 9) years old is obviously a death trap. It’s infested with bugs, on a mission to give you back trouble, terminal stress and heart disease AND when you go to dispose of it there’s a very good chance that it will crush you on the way down the stairs, thereby having the last laugh. Any pillow (9) more than about half an hour old should also go along with the mattress, after all it might have a hair on it, or a smudge of that old make-up, or a bad dream loitering among the feathers. Drop these out of the window to land on top of the pile of towel-wrapped paint-can sponge-killer mix. Try to make it look like your neighbour did it by calling the council to report the mess.
Remember, the world is a terrifying place full of inanimate objects that are out to get you. Only if you continue the throw-away-and-shop cycle will everything be safe.
9 other things you might want to consider throwing out:
– The set of Linguaphone Welsh CDs you bought in 1978 ‘cos you fancied the bloke in the icecream shop at Llanelli
– The Daily Mail
– Anything made by Coca Cola
– Rupert Murdoch
– Your telly
– Those Dan Brown paperbacks
– The Halfords cone spanner set for your Chopper bike.
– The Royal Family
– Nuclear weapons