Welcome to Frog and Bison’s 2015 guide to business and social success.

by kayscorah

stetson, bison, frog, bowler

Starting January 5th for 14 days the Frog will draw a random number between 1 and 14 from the Bowler Hat of Uncertainty, and the Bison a random subject from the Stetson of Surreality. I will then without pause for thought or reflection write one of those “x things you should y about z” pieces.

Your life in 2015 will not be complete without this ridiculous and spurious advice. DO NOT MISS IT!!!! Expect excessive and unnecessary use of CAPITALS!!!!! Italics!!!!, EXCLAMATION marks!!!!!!!!!!!!! and BOLD TYPE

Here’s one I prepared earlier:

How to say 11 things that speakers should never say, by Kay Scorah with apologies to Jeff Haden

 “I can’t see you because the lights are too bright, but you can see me all to clearly, and so you will notice that I’m not my usual sparkling self. I haven’t even plucked my nose hair. You’re asking how I come to be here in front of you in such a state, well, let me answer that question. I’m jet-lagged, tired and hungover and therefore will keep it short because, frankly, I’ve given the same presentation 15 times in the last 2 weeks and I just want to head back to the bar. I left a rather fine Grey Goose martini in there and my last words to the barman were; “I’ll get back to that later.”

Can you hear me above your inane chatter, the click of your keyboards and the ping of your message notifications? Yes, you can because I notice that the noise has subsided. You don’t need to write anything down or take photos; the presentation will be online later in the crime pages of the local paper because, if you don’t shut off your f***ing phones, laptops and tablets and listen to me I will personally come over there and stick them up your tight arses. Let me read this note from my ex out loud for you, it’s much more interesting than the presentation I was going to give. Shit, I’ve left my reading glasses on the bar…” (hands note to person in the front row), “can you read this for me? What? I’m out of time? I know that, genius, I can read a f***ing watch, and no-one wants me off this stage more than I do, but I have 23 more, brand new slides which describe in detail what a piece of shit my ex is, and I’m going to stay here until I’ve made all of you morons look at them.”

 

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