I was thinking of going silly on this one, you know, making a list of things that you OBVIOUSLY wouldn’t refrigerate like, oh, I don’t know, nail varnish. Then I looked at the original, and guess what’s on the list? So the silliness bar has been raised. Here we go:
1) Toilet paper. Mentioning no names, but I do know someone who used to put the toilet roll in the fridge after eating very spicy food or drinking loads of booze or, more commonly, both. Something to do with the soothing effect of the cool paper on the nether regions the morning after. Here’s the problem with that; it’s 2 a.m. you put the roll in the fridge with a smug, self satisfied chuckle and you take yourself off to bed. Next morning, you go to the bathroom, you sit down and when it’s JUST too late you remember that last night you put the toilet paper in the fridge.
2) The cat. Yes, it always seems like a good idea at the time, doesn’t it? But it isn’t. Before it dies it will drink all the milk and then you’ll be stuck with a dead cat and black coffee.
3) A plastic container full of tadpoles. If I had a penny for every time I’ve gone to the fridge in the middle of the night, drunk, starving and looking for a snack and accidentally eaten the tadpoles I left in there earlier…..
*4) A former prime minister and one of his advisors. A fridge is obviously well insulated, and good temperature insulation usually also means good sound insulation. So, it’s understandable, Ed, that you may be tempted to pop that annoying pair in the fridge just so that you don’t have to listen to them any more. However, the down side to this otherwise splendid idea is that the fridge keeps things fresh, and so every time you open the door they’ll still be there droning on (pun intended)…”Unelectable party…” “crude mansion tax..” blah blah blah. Take my advice, there are some things that are best left to rot.
5) Trees. Science fact: low temperatures slow the rate of photosynthesis. So does darkness. Start putting trees in the refrigerator and before you know it there will be no oxygen in the world. None. And it will be your fault for starting that silly “trees in the fridge” thing.
6) Small Spiders. Yes, this also seems like a good idea at the time. But they’re too small. Once you’ve put them in there you won’t be able to find them again, and then you’ll worry that you just ate a spider. Plus, they don’t CARE if it’s cold. If you really want to have fun with a spider set it on fire. They’re pressurised and will explode if placed near a naked flame.
7) Condoms. OK, it could be fun. But what happens if your mother comes round and looks in the fridge?
8) Doorstep canvassers I know it’s tempting to ask them in and then entice them to step into the fridge with the promise that you will vote for them/believe in their god/switch to their electricity company. But every time you open the door, guess what? They’re still there (see point 4). The temperature isn’t cold enough to kill ‘em and the place is full of food so they won’t starve. You’re just cutting off your nose to spite your face.
9) Your nose. If you do happen to cut off your nose to spite your face, put it in a bag of ice, leap in a taxi and rush to hospital to get it stitched back on. If you put it in the fridge you’ll never get a cab to take you AND a fridge. On the other hand, the waiting times are in A&E are such that the ice will melt before you get to see anyone. Under these circumstances you CAN put your nose in the fridge, but only after you get to the hospital.
10) A heater. Duh! Obvs!
* Sorry worldwide readers, this probably only makes **sense in the UK.
** I use the word loosely.