kay scorah.

internexpert.

Month: January, 2015

10 things you should not refrigerate.

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I was thinking of going silly on this one, you know, making a list of things that you OBVIOUSLY wouldn’t refrigerate like, oh, I don’t know, nail varnish. Then I looked at the original, and guess what’s on the list? So the silliness bar has been raised. Here we go:

1) Toilet paper. Mentioning no names, but I do know someone who used to put the toilet roll in the fridge after eating very spicy food or drinking loads of booze or, more commonly, both. Something to do with the soothing effect of the cool paper on the nether regions the morning after. Here’s the problem with that; it’s 2 a.m. you put the roll in the fridge with a smug, self satisfied chuckle and you take yourself off to bed. Next morning, you go to the bathroom, you sit down and when it’s JUST too late you remember that last night you put the toilet paper in the fridge.

2) The cat. Yes, it always seems like a good idea at the time, doesn’t it? But it isn’t. Before it dies it will drink all the milk and then you’ll be stuck with a dead cat and black coffee.

3) A plastic container full of tadpoles. If I had a penny for every time I’ve gone to the fridge in the middle of the night, drunk, starving and looking for a snack and accidentally eaten the tadpoles I left in there earlier…..

*4) A former prime minister and one of his advisors. A fridge is obviously well insulated, and good temperature insulation usually also means good sound insulation. So, it’s understandable, Ed, that you may be tempted to pop that annoying pair in the fridge just so that you don’t have to listen to them any more. However, the down side to this otherwise splendid idea is that the fridge keeps things fresh, and so every time you open the door they’ll still be there droning on (pun intended)…”Unelectable party…” “crude mansion tax..” blah blah blah. Take my advice, there are some things that are best left to rot.

5) Trees. Science fact: low temperatures slow the rate of photosynthesis. So does darkness. Start putting trees in the refrigerator and before you know it there will be no oxygen in the world. None. And it will be your fault for starting that silly “trees in the fridge” thing.

6) Small Spiders. Yes, this also seems like a good idea at the time. But they’re too small. Once you’ve put them in there you won’t be able to find them again, and then you’ll worry that you just ate a spider. Plus, they don’t CARE if it’s cold. If you really want to have fun with a spider set it on fire. They’re pressurised and will explode if placed near a naked flame.

7) Condoms. OK, it could be fun. But what happens if your mother comes round and looks in the fridge?

8) Doorstep canvassers I know it’s tempting to ask them in and then entice them to step into the fridge with the promise that you will vote for them/believe in their god/switch to their electricity company. But every time you open the door, guess what? They’re still there (see point 4). The temperature isn’t cold enough to kill ‘em and the place is full of food so they won’t starve. You’re just cutting off your nose to spite your face.

9) Your nose. If you do happen to cut off your nose to spite your face, put it in a bag of ice, leap in a taxi and rush to hospital to get it stitched back on. If you put it in the fridge you’ll never get a cab to take you AND a fridge. On the other hand, the waiting times are in A&E are such that the ice will melt before you get to see anyone. Under these circumstances you CAN put your nose in the fridge, but only after you get to the hospital.

10) A heater. Duh! Obvs!

* Sorry worldwide readers, this probably only makes **sense in the UK.

** I use the word loosely.

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“7 words you can’t say on TV.” Beware, strong language.

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I promised myself that I would write one of these things for every subject that was randomly selected from the 2 hats. When this one came up, I realised that I was probably going to lose every client I ever had.

In 1972, George Carlin delivered one of his rants about the 7 words you can’t say on TV. If you don’t want to watch it, all you need to know is that they are, “shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits”.

Now, after a couple of glasses of Tempranillo in the New Rose I’ll say any of those. Most of them I’ll even say sober. But when it comes to Writing Them Down, I genuinely found it hard to bring myself to type a couple of them. It seems that I have a potty mouth and prissy fingers. It’s the opposite of fur coat and no knickers.

Do you remember when in English exams you’d get those questions which began, “use each of these words in a sentence”? Well, here goes..

On 7th January 2015 the shit hit the media fan when 11 people were murdered at the Charlie Hebdo offices in Paris for taking the piss out of the prophet Mohammed. Between January 3rd and 7th an estimated 2000 people were murdered by those Boko Haram motherfuckers in Baga Nigeria, but for all the coverage THAT got in the western mainstream media you’d think that no one gave a flying fuck about innocent Nigerian villagers. Ten days later, French President Francois Hollande insisted that France would continue to defend “freedom of expression.” In the same speech he said that protesters who burned the French flag, “have to be punished, because when it happens in France, it’s intolerable.” Can someone explain to me how burning a flag is anything more than a means of expression? It’s a piece of cloth, for fuck’s sake!

Speaking of world leaders, why do men use “cocksucker” as an insult, when the very recreational activity to which they refer is one which they so appreciate? It’s like me snarling “winedrinker!” in an aggressive manner at one of my female friends.

It’s interesting that the word cunt seems like more of an insult than dick and prick, even though statistically speaking there are almost as many cunts in the world as there are dicks. Except, that is in *Bahrain, Kuwait, Oman, Qatar, Saudi Arabia and the United Arab Emirates where dicks apparently outnumber cunts by a significant number. Wondering aloud about why that is, like burning a flag, is something that I probably can’t do on TV.

Motherfucking hypocrites. They get on my tits.

* Females as a (reported) percentage of population; World:49%. Bahrain:38%. Kuwait:40%. Oman:36%. Qatar:23%. Saudi Arabia:42%, United Arab Emirates:30%

14 Things You Don’t Understand About Parenthood Until You Have Kids.

It will come as no surprise to any of you to hear that our randomly selected item 14 is absolute rubbish. I’m not going to make it easy for you to find it by popping in a link, because that would be clickbaiting for clickbait. (Also known as clickbait squared.) Whoever wrote the Wiki definition of the word Clickbait probably had this piece in mind when they included the phrase “at the expense of quality or accuracy”. I will, however, share this extract with you, “You have completely underestimated the importance of the word “nap time” for your entire life.” Even if the strangled syntax doesn’t bother you, just count the number of words in inverted commas after the word, “word”.

There is nothing to learn here about the nature of parenting, but a great deal to be learned about producing drivel. I have studied it in depth and until my eyes hurt so that you don’t have to, and have drawn from it these….

…14 Things You Don’t Understand About Clickbait Until You Start Writing Clickbait.

1) It’s important to research your subject thoroughly. Invite a carefully selected group of garrulous, opinionated bigots to share a bottle of cheap vodka in your local park and discuss the subject at hand. This focus group will provide the basis for your piece, so be sure to write down some of the more obnoxious and pointless things that they say.
2) Learning to say the same thing in several not-very-different ways is going to be important to you. Keep the vodka flowing so that your expert panellists repeat themselves as often as possible. Listen and learn.
3) Even the most thorough researchers sometimes find themselves a little short of data. If this happens to you, simply type your subject into a search engine and copy what you find there. It works for me.
4) Randomly select cute and/or serious photographs from one of those free image sites. Insert them into your copy to make it look longer. Do make sure that you don’t accidentally choose an image that relates to the point you are trying to make.
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5) If choosing images of people, make sure that you get a good spread of skin tones in there to maximise the value to potential advertisers and make Nigel Farage feel uncomfortable.
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6) Choose photos that are covered by a Creative Commons License. Don’t worry about that little detail about not using them for “commercial purposes”, there’s a little wrinkle in the T&Cs which makes it OK for the advertisers who place links in your piece to benefit from your use of photos, without having to pay a thing to you or the photographer.
7) Appear confident and authoritative by using verbs exclusively in the imperative. If you don’t know what the imperative is, it’s the bossy form of a verb. If you don’t know what a verb is don’t worry: neither does anyone else writing these things.
8) You must make sure that you obey point 7 at all times.
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9) As you write, imagine that your reader has a reading age of 6 and the attention span of a gnat. Or the attention span of an MP at work. (Ooops! Let a relevant image slip through there.)
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10) Point 9 matters. So does point 2. Write short sentences.
11) Did I mention that you should say the same thing over and over again in different ways? You have to make your numbers.
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12) Be careful not to express an opinion in case you upset someone. Remember, you don’t have to change the world, you only have to generate traffic to a car insurance comparison website.
BUPA Great North Run Sunday 6 October 2002
13) Use dashes as often as possible – after all – any other type of punctuation can be intimidating.
14) The most important single action any of us can take in these troubled times is to keep on clicking.

X things you must y about z. A beginner’s guide. AND “1 thing…….”

I gather than some of you are confused. Let me explain.
On Jan 1st we placed the numbers 1 to 14 in a hat. A real hat. The Bowler Hat of Uncertainty.
Into a well-known search engine I typed “1 thing” “2 things” and so on, all the way to 14.
I wrote the top 7 results for each number on separate pieces of paper.
Every day we (The Frog, The Bison and I) draw a number from the Bowler Hat of Uncertainty, then we place the top 7 results for that number into the Stetson of Surreality and draw a subject at random from that.
It really is random. In so many ways. On Friday we drew the number 1.
1 thing
1 thing you should know when moving to cloud deployment.

Before moving to cloud deployment, you should definitely know what cloud deployment is.

I do not.

11 things that men want from you but will never tell you

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I re-read the original of this several times looking for irony, but apparently they’re serious. Then I checked to see if it was written in 1946, and it wasn’t. (Had it been written in ‘46, the grammar and syntax would have been correct, and the vocabulary more diverse.) It was hard to make it any more ridiculous than it already is, but I’ve done my best. Here goes.

Apparently the 11 things that men want from you but will never tell you are:
1. Respect.
2. Admiration.
3. Companionship.
4. Arm candy.
5. A pleasant tone of voice.
7. Appreciation
8. Recognition
9. Independence
10. Support
11. Desired (sic)

You can learn how to express most of these by making a careful study of Annie Wilkes; Kathy Bates character in “Misery”. In fact, most of them are succinctly drawn together in this one scene.

1 Respect according to the internexperts means “… that you think that he is important and you show it with your actions.” See how Annie doesn’t just tell Paul “I have total confidence in your brilliance” but she sets him up with a nice little desk, a typewriter and a lovely wheelchair by the window so that he can continue his great work.

2 Admiration. “I’m your number one fan.” It’s the line that we all remember from the movie because it shows us how skilled Annie is at showing her man just how much she admires him.

3 Companionship. What better way to make sure that you spend more time with your man than to break his ankles and tie him to the bed? If this seems a bridge too far in the short term, then simply buy him a dog and head off to the pub with the girls.

4 Arm candy. Let’s be honest, Annie doesn’t really cut it on this one, so let’s stray from the Misery model for a moment and imagine how adorable the retro liquorice allsorts bracelet illustrated will look stretched seductively across your man’s muscled bicep!
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If you’re a bit hard up don’t worry, you can have minutes of fun nibbling one of those cheap sweetie bracelets off his wrist. (Laddish innuendo intended).sweetiebracelet

5 A pleasant tone of voice. Watch that scene again. Go on, I dare you. If Annie had started out screaming at Paul it wouldn’t have been anywhere near as effective, would it? So next time you say “I fucking despise you” to your beloved, make sure that you say it in a pleasant tone of voice.

6 Encouragement. Notice how good Annie is at this in this scene. She never misses an opportunity to show Paul that she has read every word that he writes, and gives him super useful tips on how he might improve.

7. Appreciation. We’re none of us perfect, and poor Annie isn’t the best at this, is she? In that very same scene, rather than thanking Paul for everything he has done for her she can be very critical, harping on about the things that she doesn’t like. If she had been more appreciative of his efforts their relationship might not have ended so badly.

8 Recognition. Even the little things that Paul does, like rearranging a china penguin on the shelf, never escape Annie’s notice. She doesn’t just notice but she lets him know she’s noticed, and that is what makes her really special.

9 Independence. As the original article says, those guys do love to think that they are independent! Annie gets this, and she gives Paul plenty of alone time to get on with his writing and his man-thoughts. Notice though that she always makes sure that he is safely tied to his bed or wheelchair before she leaves him. We don’t want our men hurting themselves or wandering off and getting lost when we’re not around, do we girls?

10. Support. See “appreciation”. We’re at 10 and I’m getting a little tired of pretending that there really are 11 separate things on this list. They’re all basically the same. You know it, I know it, the original authors know it.

11. Desired. The grammatical inconsistency of number 11 renders it invalid and drives me nuts. The article promises 11 “things” that men want from you. Leaving aside the fact that “thing” is a sloppy non-specific noun at the best of times, “desired” is not a THING!!!!! A THING would be a NOUN!!!! “Desired” is the past participle of the verb “to desire”, or, when used in conjunction with the verb “be” it is the passive form.

The original internexperts on this subject were re Alicia Fannin and “editor” Lisa Washington.
You’re welcome.

6 things you should do after every workout.

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With apologies to Nick Clayton (who has more post-nominal letters than anyone in Debrett’s) and Zack Zeigler.


According to Clayton, the 6 things are:
Roll
Cool down
Stretch
Rehydrate
Consume protein
Compression clothing

Here’s my advice:

Roll a large blunt, light it and inhale deeply. Marijuana is well known as an anti-inflammatory and muscle relaxant, so perfect for those tired and tense muscles after a workout. Just chilling like this should help you cool down. However, if you are still a little sweaty and finding it difficult to bring your temperature down, this cocktail that we invented a few years ago in Mexico is the perfect core cooler:

Recipe for Tequila Tope (tope is Mexican Spanish for a speedbump):
1 measure of tequila
3 measures of freshly squeezed grapefruit juice
plenty of ice
2 or 3 drops of Tabasco or other hot sauce.
Stir. Don’t shake; shaking is far too strenuous for someone in your condition.

After the spliff and the cocktail you might want to find yourself a comfy sofa, floor, bed or shop doorway and stretch out, which conveniently ticks thing 3 off the list of 6.

Now it’s time to consume protein. If you’re following the programme conscientiously you’re going to have the munchies something wicked very soon, so stand up carefully and head down to your nearest kebab shop for a large doner. Remember that it’s a protein hit we’re looking for, so tell them to hold off on all that salady nonsense.

Compression clothing apparently improves circulation. Funny that, because I don’t know about you but I always find that tight clothing has the opposite effect. However, I must bow to the superior knowledge of the internexperts and I must admit that nothing is more giggle-inducing and therefore relaxing than trying to squeeze a size 10 bod into size 6 jeans when you’re stoned, drunk and have just eaten a kebab.

No need to rush to rehydrate. When you wake up at 4 a.m. unsure of where you are or even who you are, you will have a hell of a thirst and this will make it so much easier to drink a lot of water very quickly. Sticking your head awkwardly under the tap with your mouth wide open is a good method. Taking a glass of water to bed with you is just silly – you know you are going to knock it over when you reach out for it in the dark and wake up again 3 hours later thinking you’ve pissed yourself.

You’re welcome.

9 Things You Should Throw Away Immediately.


The first in a series of “x things you must y about z.”
Killer Sponge

One thing that all the internexperts agree on is that the kitchen sponge (1) is a killer. It is so dangerous that you must make absolutely sure that it is dead before you throw it out. After all, if our streets and bins were to be filled overnight with discarded kitchen sponges, who knows what hideous epidemics may ensue? Don’t panic, though, because you can kill a kitchen sponge AND dispose of the 8 other major hazards lurking in your immediate environment all in one go.

To deter anyone who might be crazy enough to actually pick up a kitchen sponge, use the remainder of your old makeup (2) from the bathroom cabinet to paint a scary face on it (see above). Any lipstick with a name like Kiss Me Coral, or mascara that claims to have been inspired by Brigitte Bardot, will do. Don’t be tempted to have one last go with it yourself, you’ll only go out smelling like the inside of the top drawer of an antique dressing table, and then finish up in Moorfields eye hospital looking like Linda Blair in the Exorcist.

Now, make a toxic solution by grinding up all the out of date medicines (3) you have lying around the house and dissolve them in the leftover paint (4) that you’ve been keeping in the cupboard under the stairs. Never mind that you were saving all those painkillers and valium for your next long haul flight in economy, or for the next time your partner insists on watching the entire first series of Broadchurch in bed – throwing away is more important than sleeping.

To this mix, add any leftover food (5) that has been in your fridge more than 2 seconds.

Use your sad, splayed, germ-encrusted old toothbrush (6) to stir thoroughly. Place the killer sponge in the solution and toss the toothbrush in there with it.

Now, take all those worn, mismatched towels (7) from your airing cupboard (I am sure, dear reader, that you would not be so vulgar as to place mismatched towels in the BATHROOM). Remember that you have now disposed of all your old valium; you simply cannot risk happening upon a pair of mismatched towels, without being suitably sedated.

Wrap the tin of old paint containing the toxic concoction in the towels, and place all of this in the street outside your home. Or someone else’s home.

Now its time to tackle the elephant in the (bed)room. Yes, your mattress (8). The big, stupid guy in the things-you-must-throw-away gang. Any mattress more than 2 (or 6 or 7 or 9) years old is obviously a death trap. It’s infested with bugs, on a mission to give you back trouble, terminal stress and heart disease AND when you go to dispose of it there’s a very good chance that it will crush you on the way down the stairs, thereby having the last laugh. Any pillow (9) more than about half an hour old should also go along with the mattress, after all it might have a hair on it, or a smudge of that old make-up, or a bad dream loitering among the feathers. Drop these out of the window to land on top of the pile of towel-wrapped paint-can sponge-killer mix. Try to make it look like your neighbour did it by calling the council to report the mess.

Remember, the world is a terrifying place full of inanimate objects that are out to get you. Only if you continue the throw-away-and-shop cycle will everything be safe.

9 other things you might want to consider throwing out:
– The set of Linguaphone Welsh CDs you bought in 1978 ‘cos you fancied the bloke in the icecream shop at Llanelli
– The Daily Mail
– Anything made by Coca Cola
– Rupert Murdoch
– Your telly
– Those Dan Brown paperbacks
– The Halfords cone spanner set for your Chopper bike.
– The Royal Family
– Nuclear weapons

Welcome to Frog and Bison’s 2015 guide to business and social success.

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Starting January 5th for 14 days the Frog will draw a random number between 1 and 14 from the Bowler Hat of Uncertainty, and the Bison a random subject from the Stetson of Surreality. I will then without pause for thought or reflection write one of those “x things you should y about z” pieces.

Your life in 2015 will not be complete without this ridiculous and spurious advice. DO NOT MISS IT!!!! Expect excessive and unnecessary use of CAPITALS!!!!! Italics!!!!, EXCLAMATION marks!!!!!!!!!!!!! and BOLD TYPE

Here’s one I prepared earlier:

How to say 11 things that speakers should never say, by Kay Scorah with apologies to Jeff Haden

 “I can’t see you because the lights are too bright, but you can see me all to clearly, and so you will notice that I’m not my usual sparkling self. I haven’t even plucked my nose hair. You’re asking how I come to be here in front of you in such a state, well, let me answer that question. I’m jet-lagged, tired and hungover and therefore will keep it short because, frankly, I’ve given the same presentation 15 times in the last 2 weeks and I just want to head back to the bar. I left a rather fine Grey Goose martini in there and my last words to the barman were; “I’ll get back to that later.”

Can you hear me above your inane chatter, the click of your keyboards and the ping of your message notifications? Yes, you can because I notice that the noise has subsided. You don’t need to write anything down or take photos; the presentation will be online later in the crime pages of the local paper because, if you don’t shut off your f***ing phones, laptops and tablets and listen to me I will personally come over there and stick them up your tight arses. Let me read this note from my ex out loud for you, it’s much more interesting than the presentation I was going to give. Shit, I’ve left my reading glasses on the bar…” (hands note to person in the front row), “can you read this for me? What? I’m out of time? I know that, genius, I can read a f***ing watch, and no-one wants me off this stage more than I do, but I have 23 more, brand new slides which describe in detail what a piece of shit my ex is, and I’m going to stay here until I’ve made all of you morons look at them.”